Transforming from who we were to who we are and back to who we used to be.
These years in my 20s have made me feel so very restless. Somewhere in between high school and now, I lost myself over and over again. I’m realizing that college (the first time around) was not a good fit for who I am. For the sake of adapting, I changed into someone I didn’t recognize, made tons of fair-weather friends, and then allowed myself to be surprised when I felt confused and lost looking into my friendships at the end of the day. They weren’t bad people. No – they were fantastic! Eclectic, energetic, artists full of personality and opinions.
But that’s not me. I’m calm and serious and sometimes concerned that others won’t see the real me because I hold back my feelings in order to maintain the status quo. Focusing on who I have been lately, I’d like to think I brought a few pieces of them into myself. I’m still refined, but I’m more confident in my thoughts and I’m not scared of speaking out and saying what’s on my mind. It’s weird to think I was ever too shy to do that.
Starting all over in a new place has been invigorating, and it’s made me nervous every single day. Right now, I’m a student again and I’m happy to be working on my CPA.
I ate a Dove chocolate last night. A caramel one. Like an old friend, Dove seems to understand what I need most in the world at that moment and it said ::
1) I’d like to be a mother. Maybe 4 kids. Maybe just two. I always felt it was my job to raise and nurture little souls and turn them into happy, healthy, successful, productive members of society.
2) CPA. Work from home and make big bucks? Yes, please. I’ve always been a promoter of doing whatever the heck I feel like whenever I damn-well please. Accounting provides that. Self-sufficiency, I’m on my way.
3) But really, I want a partner. Someone confident and brave. Someone who teaches me patience and understanding and depth. Someone strong and sensitive. Is this too detailed? Someone who’s personality compliments my insecure and spontaneous nature. It’s time.
Man, are these goals girly frou-frou or what?
What do you wanna be when you grow up? Oh, what a loaded question! Grow up?! I know I’ll be 30 in 3 years, but I still feel like I’m in high school. When will I have it all together? Maybe when I’m 80.