7/52

Last week was Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeen! :) My traditional Halloween plans usually include lots of butterfingers, hot cocoa, and a marathon of great holiday movies. (Hocus Pocus has been on this movie list for years.) This year, however, I felt a little sick and before you could say ‘Thackary Binx,’ I fell asleep. It’s a very exciting life I lead.

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At work, our team dressed up as license plates for a very intense battle-of-the-departments, and we had a potluck going on in the mail room all day long. Because who needs to work on Halloween, right? We got second place behind the duck dynasty team, but I think the real prize should have gone to the awkward family photo team, riiiiiight? That clarinet kills me.

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Bee Tee Dubs, the boy at work from the last post is that one right there – second from the left.

People at work have started friend requesting me on Facebook, which prompted me to spend my Saturday morning at Starbucks sorting through and editing every post I’ve written since 2005! Holy cow. Just letting you know, people say stupid things when they’re 19 years old. Like really. Insecurity, jealousy, and attention-seeking are never qualities that you’ll want documented for all of time. I think maybe it’s those annoying ‘growing up’ and ‘finding yourself’ years that everyone finds themselves in, but dang – I don’t miss it. I’m thankful that Facebook came out at the end of my awkwardness. My poor little sister is 19 right now, and I’m trying to get through to her how much she’s going to regret all of these rants and complaints that she’s putting out there for the world to see. Not sure she’s quite catching the drift yet. I haven’t had the time to edit all of those pictures, but I’m sure that will be a fun project for me next weekend.

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This weekend was spent with my grandmother, watching Downton Abbey and drinking tea. The first cold front of the year came through, and we had some nice bonding and talking time – just the two of us. (Btw, OMG the Downton Finale was such a shocker!) Sunday was a nice, sunny day with my Flynns. I love when the boys come over, because I get so many new rubber band bracelets for my collection, and I know I’ll always have the chance to play football. I’m starting to realize just how tomboyish I am. When I was a child, I seriously used to wear flannel shirts, climb trees, and catch crawfish at the bayou. I always thought dolls were creepy, and my game boy was my favorite thing ever. I also loved ‘Hey Dude’ – remember that show on Nickelodeon? It’s about a ranch in Arizona… Anyway, football. The boys are getting old enough to try out for the football team, and we’re spending our weekends practicing tackling. It’s really fun being bigger than they are, because I finally get the chance to take them down! Hah! Growing up, the neighborhood kids were always bigger than me, so I was the little girl that got knocked down a lot. It’s cool to finally be older. Yay growing up!

Ohhhhhh kaaaaaay. Now some updates on the boy. We play this game at work where somebody in the office writes a song lyric and a movie quote on the whiteboard outside my office and we all try to guess what song/movie it’s from. This boy and I have taken it upon ourselves to be the ones updating the board everyday. That’s the extent of this relationship. I’ve never said more than 4 sentences to him (face-to-face), and there’s a lot of fidgeting and fumbling going on during this process. We did spend all day emailing (once), but I’m really not sure how this whole ordeal is going to turn out. This boy is very shy and none of this is really going anywhere.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really thought about the type of man I would end up with. I tend to just picture the person I happen to be dating at the time, and that ends up being the future I see. Whether or not the relationship lasts, depends on how my insight plays out in this foggy future I totally make up in my head.

I’ve dated some good guys and some callous ones. I’ve held on to the men that are so totally wrong for me now, with the hopes that they would become the right type of guy in the future. You know how you can just see it? They’ll grow up to be better men than they know how to be when they’re young. I’m not sure if that’s ever really true or even if shades of it can be true. I think the right guy can always be the right type of guy if he meets that right girl to balance him out. The fundamentals of a person don’t change. They just won’t.

But now that I’ve been single for 6 months, the longest I’ve ever been single in my adult life, I’m starting to picture the right kind of man I’d like to meet.

He’s nice.

That’s really all I’ve come up with. I think there’s a lot to be said about someone with a kind heart and a good soul. I think he’ll be calm, too. I’m not the kind of girl to go for a wild, rebellous one, and I don’t want to be surrounded by so much spontaneity; I’ve got enough of that for the both of us. And he’ll probably have some direction. I’m too fickle to deal with another nonchalant human.

I tend to become whatever he needs me to be. As a gemini, I’m a chameleon; It is both a virtue and a vice, as it is completely unwarrented by my consciousness. Totally by instinct and compulsion, I react to other people’s actions and words and transform into someone totally unlike me. I think it’s a product of being shy and wanting people to like me. Also, I don’t get deep with anyone unless I know they’re really going to take it in. I don’t like being vulnerable with shallow people and those situations end with me putting my guard up.

I don’t want to be so guarded anymore, but how do you change the behavior in you that you don’t even mean to portray? I’m not acting on impulses here – They’re acting on me. They’re not MY impulses. They’re completely foreign.

So, dear future me, please tell me I’ve changed.

I’m not convinced it’s useful at all to picture the guy I’d like to meet, other than it may prove helpful in recognizing him when he comes around. Even so, I’m not sure I would be aware enough to notice. So, I’ve decided not to think about boys at all. It seems to be working so far, and maybe he’ll just fall into my lap.

Such is life.

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