TO LEARN THE LESSONS

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And she says to me, “Yes I loved him deeply, but he simply didn’t love me in the same way. And that’s okay except I wish I would have realized that sooner, or I wish I didn’t love him as much. Then it would be easier to let go. but I wouldn’t have learned anything. And then I wouldn’t have grown.”

Sometimes in life you wish things weren’t so hard, but they have to be. You have to change. You have to adapt. If you were the only person walking this planet, you could live as you please with exception to elements and their ever-changing ways, but you’re a member of society and you have to belong. Things won’t always go your way, and sometimes people will do things to you that are unkind and unwarranted. Take it to mind, but not to heart. You must learn to recognize these characteristics in others in order to prevent it from hurting you again, but you can’t let it affect who you are and what you stand for. That was part of them and you don’t need to adapt it into your life.

I once had a boyfriend who I thought loved very much… until I found out he had been cheating on me for a long time. At first I took it to heart like it had been my problem. If only I had been a better person… nicer. funnier. prettier. smarter. I should have been able to make it work. After all too long a period of self deprecation, I started convincing myself that all men would be this way. They all cheat. It’s just what they do. I didn’t trust guys at all anymore. I had taken this isolated incident of this one relationship and let it affect how I saw myself and every man on the planet. It shouldn’t have been so hard. If I didn’t care about him as much as I did, maybe I wouldn’t have tried to trick myself into thinking a different way and believing an illusion. Fact is, this guy was kind of shitty to me, and it was his fault and that’s it. End of story. Move on. I realize now that trickery was how I healed. I tricked my mind into believing untruths because my heart was hurting and I didn’t know how to fix it. That old heartache speaks volumes. It’s stronger than anything I had ever known in my head.

But that happens too often. Everyone experiences a situation that changes them for better or worse, and I’m still learning how to separate what I think about the situation from how I feel about it.

I used to think that you would reach a certain age and everything would just make sense. But here I am at 27 years old, clearly an adult and at the age where I thought I would have it all together, and I’m humbled to be able to say:

I don’t know anything.

And I guess that’s okay. Maybe I’ll just give it another 27 years.

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