History Repeating

I’m currently scrolling through Facebook posts of friends and resisting posting my own passive-aggressive status updates directed at this boy I’ve been quietly ‘dating’ over the past month or so. You see, there was this incident where I caught him in a lie (oh, about a week ago) and I haven’t confronted him about it yet. I haven’t seen him. The more time passes, the more anxiety I feel about it, and the more apathetically unnerved I become. The thing is, I probably don’t even really care to discuss it with him. It happened. I know about it. He just doesn’t know I know.

once I don’t trust you, I never will.

I think people have become all too comfortable with lies.

What is it about people not being able to accept responsibility for your own actions?

HUMANS

I was recently reading one of the few blogs I like to check out on occasion; one of my very favorite writers has taken a break from this whole online journal, pour-your-heart-out-for-the-world-to-judge-and-openly-criticize-behind-their-desk/bed/couch-in-their-pj’s-with-no-regard-to-you-being-a-person-and-having-feelings-and-maybe-getting-a-little-defeated-by-the-words-of-a-stranger thing. It completely rattled me. She can’t leave; I feel like I know her!

She doesn’t write one of those mommy blogs with perfectly photo-shopped pictures of her children running through fountains or picnicking in the park. Not that there’s anything wrong with them. I love those blogs. I like escaping from my world of college at 27 and working on campus and living with my grandma. (I know – why would I want to escape from that?) The truth is, my life isn’t terribly exciting and between my love for traveling and the ex-boyfriends and my complete inability to move somewhere and stay there, I have started over one too many times and hate admitting that to myself. Sometimes I don’t want to face the mirror that is being held up in front of my face. I’d rather turn away and pretend something else is going on.

I think it’s normal to have bad things happen and to instinctively block all of that out, but the moment you find yourself living another person’s life – that’s a scary moment.

Learning to be comfortable in my skin has been a long, long, trial of self-deception and running. And it hasn’t been easy for me. It’s not coming to me like it should be. Is it natural to just wake up one morning and think you look great, you feel great, and it’s time to do the damn thing and conquer the day? Because I don’t often feel like that.

I’m not saying I have negative feelings; I just feel kind of emotionless.

I am the type that enjoys routine, and I think a part of me has become almost robotic in the way I live. I wake up and go through the motions of coffee, school, work, home, food is in there somewhere, and then bed. All of the times I think want more and I’ll finally go out and make that happen, I become complacent and long to stay in my house. It’s a constant battle of push and pull between my brain and my body and the confidence and insecurity that goes along with all of the pieces of your life that have come together and made you who you are.

I see pieces of me in her stories. (Although she’s waaay more articulate than I am!) We’re the same age, from similar backgrounds, and even have some of the same friends. (Both grew up in Houston, Texas. She’s living in New York, and I’m in St. Louis) We’ve never met, and honestly, I don’t think I’d want to ruin the disconnection that the internet provides. I feel like she’s one of my friends, but I don’t have to put in any effort to make the friendship survive :: she just posts what she experiences, I get to feel like I’m not alone in my thoughts, and my day goes on as it normally would, but her words affect me somehow.

Sometimes I feel like this blog thing is sort of selfish and narcissistic. I mean, talking about yourself and your life as if anyone actually cares about the mundane events that happen to you! And then I think of how much I appreciate other bloggers words and the wisdom they share with me and never know how much I appreciate it.

I guess the message is :: be kind to everyone you come in contact with. You may impact their lives in more ways than you realize – make sure it’s a positive one.

I’m not in search of sanctity, sacredness, purity; these things are found after this life, not in this life; but in this life I search to be completely human: to feel, to give, to take, to laugh, to get lost, to be found, to dance, to love and to lust – to be so human.

TWENTY SOMETHING

Transforming from who we were to who we are and back to who we used to be.

These years in my 20s have made me feel so very restless. Somewhere in between high school and now, I lost myself over and over again. I’m realizing that college (the first time around) was not a good fit for who I am. For the sake of adapting, I changed into someone I didn’t recognize, made tons of fair-weather friends, and then allowed myself to be surprised when I felt confused and lost looking into my friendships at the end of the day. They weren’t bad people. No – they were fantastic! Eclectic, energetic, artists full of personality and opinions.

But that’s not me. I’m calm and serious and sometimes concerned that others won’t see the real me because I hold back my feelings in order to maintain the status quo. Focusing on who I have been lately, I’d like to think I brought a few pieces of them into myself. I’m still refined, but I’m more confident in my thoughts and I’m not scared of speaking out and saying what’s on my mind. It’s weird to think I was ever too shy to do that.

Starting all over in a new place has been invigorating, and it’s made me nervous every single day. Right now, I’m a student again and I’m happy to be working on my CPA.

I ate a Dove chocolate last night. A caramel one. Like an old friend, Dove seems to understand what I need most in the world at that moment and it said ::

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1) I’d like to be a mother. Maybe 4 kids. Maybe just two. I always felt it was my job to raise and nurture little souls and turn them into happy, healthy, successful, productive members of society.

2) CPA. Work from home and make big bucks? Yes, please. I’ve always been a promoter of doing whatever the heck I feel like whenever I damn-well please. Accounting provides that. Self-sufficiency, I’m on my way.

3) But really, I want a partner. Someone confident and brave. Someone who teaches me patience and understanding and depth. Someone strong and sensitive. Is this too detailed? Someone who’s personality compliments my insecure and spontaneous nature. It’s time.

Man, are these goals girly frou-frou or what?

What do you wanna be when you grow up? Oh, what a loaded question! Grow up?! I know I’ll be 30 in 3 years, but I still feel like I’m in high school. When will I have it all together? Maybe when I’m 80.

EASE

I woke up early, washed my hair and my face, put makeup on. Teeth were brushed, hair dried, clothes on. (*insert a few games of candy crush in there somewhere)

Grabbed breakfast. Arrived at school early. More candy crush to kill time. Why am I still playing this game?

Walk in the math building, up the stairs, check instagram.

And a boy walks up and talks to me. A boy that has talked to me only once before, but now says full sentences and questions and there may have been lots of smiling and giggling and no nervousness at all. This boy has previously made me flustered, but today was different.

Today we spent an hour after class in the computer lab doing homework together.

…which is proof that good things happen when you eat brownies before bed.

THAW

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Good God almighty it has been COLD in the midwest this year!

And I am confused about how I feel about it. I am a cold weather being. When summer comes around, I groan and complain the entire season. I am not a fan of heat, humidity, sweat, or exhaustion… unless it’s deliberate because I’ve been hiking or swimming or something outdoorsy and purposeful. Basically – unless I’m in a pool, it doesn’t need to be hot. I don’t want it.

But really, St. Louis? 2 months with temperatures less than 18 degrees and ice all over the ground?? No. Today it’s supposed to be near 55 degrees and I didn’t even wear a sweater. I’m in a long sleeve shirt – straight up. This is just not right. Everyone around here is confused.

Assuming that we all don’t collapse from the zombie like colds we’re sure to get after this ‘warm’ weather snap, it should be a pretty relaxing, peaceful, soothing outside kind of day.

This morning, my littlest Flynns and I took a trip to Starbucks for double-chocolatey chip frappuccinos. I don’t often get the chance to take them out, but I enjoyed the time I got to spend with them and I’m very thankful for our one-on-one time… And I think they like listening to my weird music. It’s a win for everybody!

I also spent some time working on my sweet moves this weekend with “The Lawn Chair Brigade” – the new group I joined to get out of the house and meet people, and have a little fun in the process. They are a fun group of misfits that marches a few of the parades around St. Louis with choreographed routines featuring you guessed it – lawn chairs! I’m really excited about the Mardi Gras parade coming up this weekend (more on this later), but they also participate in the Fat Tuesday, and St. Patrick’s Day. Brass band and all!

It was a weekend full of cousins and Call of Duty, and I loved every minute of it.

SO LET’S PLAY CATCH UP

I haven’t done this whole blog thing in a loooong time. Truth is – I haven’t really wanted to.

After I lost my job in November, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I figured nobody hires around the end of the year unless it’s for temp jobs at the retail stores in the mall, and the holidays were coming up, so I’d just ride it out and wait until January to look for a new path; I’d take time off and ‘find myself’ or whatever people usually do when they lose that routine. Well, that got old. quick.

By December, I was in full denial that it was even affecting me. I was all whatevs and saying things like ‘I’m fiiiiiine‘ the way Ross said it when he found out Rachel and Joey were dating and invited them over for fajitas and seriously burned his hands on the hot plate after drinking a whole pitcher of margaritas. (Whoa Friends reference) It wasn’t quite that bad, but let’s just say I would wake up in the morning and grab a coffee and drive for hours though the hills alone listening to music and singing as loud as I could.

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I like that stuff.

Here’s the thing about me :: I’m not quite an introvert, but I don’t actively seek friends. I’m completely content being alone. I’m an independent person by nature and am not used to relying on others to provide happiness in my life. Now, when I’m hooked up with someone, it’s a different story – I suddenly turn all girly and giddy and considerate in an overdoing it way. I’m a people pleaser. But this isn’t always good for me in terms of self-preservation. And I felt defeated.

Now, it’s almost the end of January and I’m looking back on what’s been going on. I’m not happy to have lost the job opportunity, but it did allow for free time and all that figuring out my life stuff.

My sister called my crying one night about all the woes of being almost-twenty and college, boys, work, being poor, family drama – cuz you know, 19 is still a teenager and teenagers have all the major dramz. She’s a bit theatrical, but I could tell this was more serious and meant more to her than just the petty stuff, so I flew down to Texas to be with her.

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And Texas was gooood.

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I saw my family, I saw my Hunter boy, and Christmas was also in there somewhere.

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It’s funny how much you enjoy something that you didn’t realize you were missing. I guess family just tends to do that to you – They remind you to suck it up and get back to being yourself again.

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I had a full two weeks in my hometown where I ate way too much food, enjoyed the weekly Starbucks/playground run with my little bro, and watched a ton of Bravo to get me back in the swing of things. I returned home a different person than I left and don’t worry, my sister is back to being only slightly eccentric.

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All the November blues have now washed away. I feel refreshed. oh yeah, and I went back to school! ahhh. look out, world. Even though this season has not been as kind to me as I’d like, the circumstances have allowed me to spend Christmas in Texas and have extra family time here in St. Louis. For that, I am grateful.

11/52

So, I skipped week 8 and week 10, and honestly, November has been rough. Severe. But I put my big girl pants on, and this lipstick, and pulled myself up by my bootstraps. Whatever those are.

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Here goes…

My staffing agency screwed me out of my fantastic job. Dun dun dunnn. I had so much fun going to work everyday, and seeing all of my friends, and getting to explore the city on my lunch breaks. And now, I don’t wanna talk about it.

So, I’ve spent the last two weeks coming up with a life plan.

I spend my mornings driving. I’m the type of person that loves to get out and explore. Adventure. I really enjoy alone time and singing way too loudly to the tunes on my iPhone. It’s part of the Gemini in me that I couldn’t suppress if I wanted to; the never satisfied, whirling dervish, please-control-your-impulses-before-you-lose-your-mind spontaneity that tends to help me make friends and help me lose boyfriends. When I was looking at cars to buy, I chose mine based on the fact that it’s grey inside and a diesel under the hood. My 3rd best friend (I rank the boys to keep them in check) and I loved to travel, and because we were both poor, road trips around the country were as fancy as it got. Thank goodness the car is dependable, cuz I’ve put 40,000 miles on it this year.

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Every morning I grab an iced coffee and go on road trips until the coffee runs out. Generally I take the route through Upper Alton and then downtown to Route 100. The trip down The Great River Road from Alton to Grafton has ranked in the top 10 scenic drives in the United States for the last 20 years or so. I’ve never thought of the Mississippi River as beautiful, but add it to the winding roads, changing colors of trees, and the bluffs that edge out the drive, and you’re looking at some pretty spectacular views.

Also, at the end of the road, Pere Marquette is a great place to sit and think.

Things that have crossed my mind in the last 2 weeks:

TVs belong in the bathroom. They just do. How nice is it to get ready for the day or take a nice long hot bath at the end of it, and be able to decompress and unwind with some funny rom com or something mindless, but highly entertaining on Bravo? Really nice.

Potatoes must be served with cheese. This is a no brainer, right? I haven’t yet told you (have I?), but I have some sort of love affair with cheese. It’s delicious, and filling, and is way better than stuffing your face with sugar. And potatoes and cheese are like a match made in heaven. Yes. One of these days I’ll put a ‘health’ or some food-related type of page on here and then you’ll understand this rambling.

Don’t like the look of a fresh hair cut. Got my hair cut recently. It looks choppy and even and not like perfect ‘Little Mermaid’ hair. I want mermaid hair!

I’m the worst when it comes to nail polish. I love fresh, perfect nails, but as soon as they start to chip, I’m all over ’em! When it comes to peeling it off, I can’t help myself. I am almost compulsive. I have to scratch at it until it all comes off clean, and I end up with the roughest nails on the block.

I don’t like biscuits. That’s it.

I believe sentiment is best reserved for romance and best friends. When my family gives me sweet cards and nice, mushy notes, I think it’s sweet, but I. just. can’t. I wish my parents would give me old pictures and stories from when they were little. Family photos are so my weakness. Anybody’s family, really. I think this ties into my love for all things old and nostalgic.

And now, ANNOUNCEMENT TIME!

(drumroll please)

I’m going back to school. I have no idea what to do with my life, which wouldn’t matter if I had money and is probably something I should have figured out by now, but back to learning things it is! I have been accepted by a school in the area so I can stay local, and I’ve enrolled for 17 hours this semester. I’ll be taking the next 4 months to plan out my degree audit and hopefully I will have the degree by May 2015 :)

Oh and my best friend Hunter moved back to the States. I really need to make time to get down to Houston. Hell, I may just move there… Kidding. I miss him so much.

One last thing. I went shopping with my grandmother yesterday. This is so unlike me. I am not a shopper. Nuh uh. No way. But she asked me to go, and she prefaced it with a drs appt that she wanted me to drive her to, so there I was. Wandering aimlessly around a hospital. Wondering what I could be thinking about to distract myself from the monotony that is 100 racks of clothing and 12,000 people surrounding you. And you know what won me over? This little lady:

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Can you believe?? One of the stores in the mall is going out of business, and they’re selling EVERYTHING so, ‘Penney Myra’ came home with me. I thought she needed a proper name and Gram decided that was the one. Works for me! I ended up putting a sweater on her cuz let’s get real, I’ve got little cousins who would like to visit every now and then, and we don’t need those questions quite so soon.

Anyway, I’m hoping week 12 is better than the last two. I’m sure it will be just what I needed :]